in space, no one can hear you fart

i am a three sided mobius strip, a submarine with screen windows. imagine if you walked into a crowded place, and looked at all the faces, and you couldn't tell if you knew any of the people or not. you can't tell if you recognize anyone, you dont recognize anyone, but some of the people may be your freinds. for some reason, you see them, but your brain just doesn't registger knowledge.

i wonder if i drank enough hot tea could i raise my body temperature high enough to simulate a fever, and cook my brain, get that pink floyd comfortably numb feeling while permanantly losing capabilites to read or think logically, if only just a little bit.

sometimes i think i cannot help but make the wrong decision, like i have some kind of limited free will. i can have *ANYTHING* i want off of side "A" of the menu, but all the winning choices are on side "B" and side "A" has all negetive outcome. sure, i feel like i have a free choice, like i can make my own destiny and all that crap, but really, in the larger sense, i do not.

or maybe i am just tragically doomed. god that always sounds so romantic and heroic when you read about it, but when you have to live it, it's not that great really.

sometimes i feel removed from humanity, like i just dont belong on this planet. sometimes it's like watching myself from outside myself, i can see me saying dumb things, doing dumb things, making the wrong choices, and all i can do is watch, knowing full well i am fucking up in triplicate.

i have been deja vu-ing like mad. i am either seriously fatigued (probably) or this life that i have lead is slowly coming back to me (cool thought, but...eh, not buying it) or as we all know, it's just a glitch in the matrix (yes!).

humans are reletively predictable, and i bet if you really really really studied hard, and used thousands of hours of research and ovservation, i am willing to bet you could talk to someone for about 15 minutes and tell them thier future. we seem to do it all the time. like when we see people at work, and we know they are going to end up fucking each other at the office party, and regretting it later, and becoming bitter, but they don't know it. and then it all happens. so, i bet you could do it on a wider scale.

i must be getting old. i keep fantasizing about a time machine, i *WANT* there to be evidence of a time machine, i entertain the childish fantasy that i might someday find one, stumble onto one, whatever. i want to go back in time, knowing what i know now. shit would be different.

i really really really need to sleep now. and i haven't even had anything to drink.