i woke up today to the sound of my Eton Porche design P'132 am/fm/shortwave and xm radio, which is my alarm clock, conducted a quick toilett, annointning myself with a spritz of my Dolce and Gabanna parfume before donning my Armani wool blend suit, which i wear when i feel like dressing down and giving off a lazy bum appearance.
it was raining madly, the sky a menacing grey, angry heavy drops of rain pelting the ground like a hail of bullets from a stuka over world war II germany. i grabbed my trusty Burberry oversized umberella and headed out for a capuccino and a porcini and red onion omlette at my favorite local bistro.
i was immediately taken aback by the hellish sight that befell me, as if i had walked through alice's looking glass directly into a lovecraftian world of horror and the macabre. snakes. all around me were snakes. snakes of all sizes and breeds; asps, vipers, constrictors, the lot of them. what had caused this eerie phenomenon?
the streets were empty of traffic, human and machine, and other than the pulsing of the ground caused by the uncountable number of snakes, there was not one sign of life. i realized then and there that my whole reason for existence, the cosmic hand that caused the breakage of the condom my father, a traveling used shoe salesman, used on the night he made oh so sweet love to my mother, a ticket taker at the dollar movie theater, did so only so i could be born and live to this moment....the moment that I, Swanky McSmooth, would be the savior of the planet.
thinking quickly, i dashed, with the speed and grace of the bastard mutant child of a world champion boxer and a prima ballerina, back into my home. i had to think fast. suddenly, just like obi wan in the first star wars movie when luke was flying into the very heart of the death star, a vision appeared, giving much needed guidance. it was my grandmother, a tough old italian lady who was brought up on the hard knox streets of brooklyn during the depression. a crusty old woman who, much like the cheap toilet paper you get at the dollar store, was rough and tough and didnt' take shit off of anyone.
following her guidance, i took three of my best Henkle Chef knives, an old spring from a mattress that i had "used" until it could no longer support even the weight of the anorexic olsen twin, and some regular everyday gaffer's tape, commonly found on any set in hollywood. i quickly rigged a three pronged slicing machine, and donning my K2 Radical 100 inline Skates with big wheel technology, i glided my way out into the reptile infested rain soaked hell that my world had become and started dispensing some no shit, bad ass, Swanky McCool brand justice.
the last words of advice my spirited grandmother gave me before heading back to whatever eternity she was in was: remove the head, it's the only way to stop them.
i glided along the slick roads, chopping heads off of snakes, but there seemed to be no end. at one point, after a few hours, i was so tired, i had to stop and refresh myself with a vannilla flavored GU packet and some Gatorade Ice. as i regrouped my will and strenght, i lazily gazed at the seemingly eternal amount of snakes, and i caught a pattern. i noticed a concentration of snakes off to the east, and when looked at from the broad picture, it was a giant arrow pointing the direction that i realized i must journey. the source off this nightmare.
i skated hard and fast, chopping heads off of any snake i could as i went in the one direction, my goal. eventually, i realized what the vision had said. remove the head. she didn't mean the head of each snake, but the main snake, and i had found it. bloated and reeking, like anna nicole smith before the liposuction and the atrocious appearance on that award show, it lay before me. one large, black, evil snake. i realized my three knives were too small to do the job, but what my knives lacked in size, my heart made up in....um....heart. i jumped upon its scaly writhing body, the rain all but blinding me, and making it's skin more wet and slippery than a girl who has just been kissed by johnny depp. i skated my way up to its large head, the size of an all new Classic Mini Cooper, and threw my knives into it's eye, causing it to bow it's head in pain. when the head was close to my wet and aching body, i punched it, right in the forehead, just like i wanna do to all the fucktards who piss me off on a daily basis, and the force of that one blow, with all the pent up anger and frustration, felled the beast, rendering it more helpless than gary coleman playing one on one hoops against shaq.
i don't know which happened first, the death of the evil beast or the stopping of the rain and the emergence of the beautiful sun, but all at once, as if wakened from a dream, i realized the snake was dead, all its minions were slowly....for lack of a better term, "melting" into the ground, and the sky was clearing up like a teen ending his awkward acne years.
other than that, i had a pretty boring ass day.
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