Check it out!!! I have this "friend" who works for the "government" and he has access to Saddam Hussein at the secret prison location. well, I told him I have this blog and I want to become a huge internet success/star/chick magnet, and asked him if I could interview Saddam himself. after much begging and pleading, he let me. that's right, you heard me, *I* got to interview Saddam Hussein. so, here you go, my personal interview with former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein:
Me: Thank you for your time, I appreciate you talking to me.
Saddam Hussein: (drinking from a bottle of Gatorade, looking comfortable). No problem.
Me: I'm going to just jump right in, so, lets begin shall we? I have heard that just one of your palaces cost millions of dollars, and you had about 90 or so. if you had taken the money for just one of those and distributed it to your people, some kind of "tax rebate" or something, they would have all loved you and claimed you were the best guy in the world. they were so poor, it wouldn't have had to be much at all, and you could have gone on doing what you wanted with no problem and no resistance, seen as benevolent even. why didn't you do that?
SH: Eh, whaddya gonna do? hey, have you heard the new Gorillaz CD? De la Soul is on it, you know. I like de la soul, and that guy from Blur's voice is just perfect, you know?
Me: Yeah, I kind of like it, it's a bit "electronica" and different, but I dig it. but let's try and stay on track, ok? next question....does the death of all the Kurds and others play on your conscience and bother you? or do you feel that even though you gave the orders, since you personally didn't do it you are not responsible for all the deaths?
SH: (thinking for a moment before taking a drag off of a pall mall cigarette) well, you see, it is like this: even if Amy Pohler threw herself at me, and I could spend a night in that vixen's passionate embrace, with her riding me like a wild pony, I would love it, but the whole time I would be thinking of Tina Fey. seriously, I just think Tina Fey is more attractive, physically and intellectually. she is just hot.
Me: yeah? I agree with you on that. so...you lost both your sons, your power, your empire, you've been ridiculed and publicly made the butt of thousands of jokes. you lost everything you had....was it all worth it?
SH: I will tell you what is worth it: the Buster Keaton box set, available online at Amazon. that is some hilarious stuff right there, that guy was a freaking genius. The stuff he did is still funny, and much more pure than a lot of today's comedy, really. in the movie "Steamboat Bill jr." there is this scene, where he is trying on hats, it goes on for about a full minute, and he doesn't move, just stares, it is sublime, totally hilarious. He just had that "look" that is subtle and so damn funny. you should definitely check out Buster Keaton. seriously.
Me: Do you think President Bush truly believed there were chemical weapons of crazy destruction..
SH: Weapons of Mass Destruction. Please, call them WMD.
Me: ok, yeah, so, do you think he honestly thought you had WMD or did he just need an excuse to come after you, to finish the job his dad started? What do you honestly feel about it?
SH: I think, well, it's like your Hollywood, what is up with them? They just keep remaking old movies, good and bad. Can't they come up with original stuff? I like Tim Burton, and the Johnny Depp, he is hot, but really, did they need to re-make the Willy Wonka? Gene Wilder played it great, slightly evil, a bit odd, just wonderful. And now it seems they are making every 70's tv show into a movie. Come on, what is up with you people? Stop trying to re-do everything, and do something original. I think, if your president wanted to do something original, he should have invaded, maybe, Saudi Arabia. They are crazy with the human rights violations, but noone seems to care. Really, without oil, they are nothing but lying brutish thugs who traffic in slavery, abuse thier people, and are complete hippocrites when it comes to Islam. It is a police state, you know that, right? People are put in prison for speaking out against the government. And they kill the filipino and bangladeshi workers, males, after raping them, just like the Kuwaitis do. Ask any filipino guy who has worked in Kuwait or Saudi Arabia. But, really, Hollywood needs to stop remaking old movies or tv shows and make some new shit. How about a movie about a substitute teacher who travels around and changes people's lives, a nomad, or maybe a guy who drives around in a snack truck and solves people's problems, like the Hulk did.
Me: How do you expect your trial go, realistically. are you hoping for a certain outcome, do you think it is all a foregone conclusion? Are you worried at all, does it bother you at all?
SH: You know what bothers me? the fact that hats seem to be so out of fashion. hats are so cool, and I have worn my share, some cool, some not so cool, but still, you know? now, it seems like only baseball caps or, thanks to Demi Moore's boytoy, trucker caps, are the only "hat" you can wear, unless you are p diddy or some other rapper. I guess cowboy hats are ok, but only if you are a cowboy. really, what happened to the fedora, or the regular everyday hat? that pisses me right the fuck off. you wanna make a big deal over the "tragic" death of people you don't even know? how about your tragic loss of a cool fashion accessory?
Me: Yeah, I feel the same way about bowties. I really dig bowties, but when you wear them, people say you look like a referee at a boxing match, a waiter, or some weird geek. to me they make sense though, they don't blow around in the wind and they don't get into your food when you eat. ok, I have a few more questions...
SH: sorry, I must end this. desperate housewives is on. thank you, and please, don't think for a moment I wouldn't kill you if I could get away with it.
Me: I know. thanks for your time. and before I go, just tell us, who is your favorite blog?
SH: (making that devil horn thing with his fingers, like you do at rock concerts when you go headbanging, and shouting at the top of his lungs) SADDLESOREREVIEW.BLOGSPOT.COM. OH YEAH!!!!!
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