another night in a small colorado town

i am currently in fight mode with my woman, she is surfing the red tide and has become a vile evil monster, as she does for one week each month.  seriously, she is completely and totally Mr Hyde, compared to her usual mild mannered and flowery happy Dr. Jekyll.   it started last night, i said something innocuous, she got offended and upset and decided to leave.  i eagerly let her go, and probably won't actually converse with her for a few days, when the real her returns.

as a result, i had nothing to do this evening.  no plans. there is a festival afoot in the town, turning a quiet boring town into a chaotic ground zero of smells and sounds and various people of all shapes, mostly pear shapes, but all shapes, promenading up and down the street.  there is excitement in the air, as well as the smell of deep fryer oil and shitty cologne.

i started drinking at work when old flame, well, not really a flame, more of a potential spark that never happened, came in to the shop to introduce her two friends from the big city over the hill who came to visit for no apparent reason.  they seemed cool and hip in a "we aren't really trying, we are just naturally cool and hip even though we are really trying not to try" sort of way. they left and then returned and invited me for a game of scrabble later in the evening.   i took it the old flame wanted to hang out and talk to me or some such nonsense.  having absolutely nothing better to do, i agreed.

after a few beers, i wandered across the street to get some books signed and hear an author read and speak. he is a big deal in many small circles, and while he was vastly interesting and entertaining, i could only take so much before i quietly slipped out.  even though the streets were packed, the place was rather empty.  turns out not the most literate crowd comes to this sort of two day shindig.  they are more interested in oversized turkey legs and funnel cakes.

i headed over to the small shop to play some scrabble and chat and laugh it up with my friend and her cool hip friends.  in the back of the shop was a fierce scrabble game afoot, the old flame, who had been sort of flirty, was there, as was her current legal husband who detests me and is jealous of me even though nothing ever happened between us and they are sort of split but still living together.  a very very very very strange situation.   i was invited to sit in and finish the hand she had while she tended to her shop, making sure to never step near me or actually speak to me.   it was me, another gal, and her two friends, drinking and playing scrabble in a small shop while there was a festival raging outside.

"so, what do you do when you aren't playing scrabble in small colorado towns?" i asked the tragically hip couple.  the lady answered first with a modest "i am a social worker."  i explained i am a very anti social worker, causing more missed sales and unhappy customers than not.

i told them of my idea for a t-shirt about life's "ups and downs" with a picture of a UPS truck and a guy with Downs syndrome on it.  we traded off color jokes and witty wordplay, we got along famously, seriously, truly, it was good.  then they did that thing were couples keep repeating some hilarious phrase to each other as an inside joke, repeating a funny joke or phrase over and over instead of having any conversation with others.  for them it was a line from Van Morrison's ringworm, from his Contractual Obligation album.   as an aside, i fucking hate Van Morrison.   my beer was finished, the game was finished, i no longer wanted to hang out, and i have to work tomorrow, so i thanked everyone, said goodbyes, and rode my bike home in the wonderful night air.

now, here i am with a glass of wine, almost finished.  i shall down the glass, shut off the computer, and go to sleep.  tomorrow, it all starts again.

another night in a small colorado town.

book review: confederacy of dunces

it's friday, 1415 in the afternoon, sunny, warm, i gotta actually go to work in an hour or so.

so this blog is supposed to be about bikes books n' shit.  there is plenty of bikes, and more than enough shit, but it's been lean on books as of late.  i just don't seem to read as much as i used to.  i am trying to rectify that though, i've got about ten books lined up to be read and i'm hoping to read them all in the next ten weeks.  we shall see...

so, books....let's talk about a confederacy of dunces by john K Toole.
i know it's been read by everyone, and i'm the last guy to read it.  i know it's the greatest book ever.  well...i'm not a fan.  i didn't like it.

i tried to read it years ago, didn't finish it, didn't like it.  i figured i'm older and wiser and would appreciate it more.  nope.   the main character, Ignatius, a fat annoying frustrating motherfucker is not at all likable, at least not by me.  perhaps i know too many people like him, and i can't stand them and don't want anything to do with them, but when i read the book, it just makes me angry and frustrated at him, i don't like him and don't want anything to do with him.

then there is the patois, a lot of the dialogue is written in new orleans vernacular, and while i know it' supposed to help make the story real and give the reader a feel for the area, it's just annoying and frustrating to me.

the cast of characters are somewhat funny, but overall they are indeed dunces, and it's just annoying to read about these idiots.  again, perhaps i've seen too many of them in real life and the frustration of dealing with them in real life carries over and ruins my fictional experience.  either way, not a fun read, not funny, and there it is.

it's not a horrible book, i just didn't find it as masterful and amazing and deep and funny as everyone says it is.  i don't care how many awards it's won, i don't care how satirical and deep it is.  it's not an entertaining story, i couldn't care less about the main character, or any of them, and it was more tedious a read than enjoyable.

so, there is that.   i wouldn't recommend the book, if a movie ever comes out, i don't' want to see it.

tonight i'm  gonna see M John Fayhee...i'm excited about that.

now, i'm off.  got shit to do....

joys of a new sponge

it's sunday night, 1855 hours pm in the evening, i'm listening to Dion and the Belmonts sing about Run Around Sue pretty much on repeat.  i really really really like that damn song....

i'm tired, like all the life force has been sucked out of me.  i'm not a close friend of time, so i don't know when the last time i wrote was, feels like a week, but it all started thursday....

went for a kick ass ride thursday, turns out i really really love riding my bike and it makes me happy.

friday, i went for another ride.  i rode pretty fucking well, rode stuff i hadn't ridden before, i was catching air like a pro fisherman catches trout, hucking like i was getting paid for it.  it felt GREAT.

then friday night i lay in bed, cramping my ass off, for no real reason.  i'm pretty sure i was dehydrated, especially since i was pissing brown sand.  

saturday, got a bunch of bananas and went to work early, we had an "event,"  and we worked for 12 straight  hours, non stop, granted there was beer involved, but at the end of the day, i was done.  got home and i could barely stay awake.

this morning i woke up super early and went to work.  it was slow, thankfully, but i'm super tired.

so, what was the highlight of the last few days, other than the super awesome kick ass ride friday?

I GOT A NEW SPONGE!!!!  everyone looks for joys in big things, they look for major events or huge instances, they want spectacular views and grand adventures and major things to make them happy.  well, my new sponge made me super happy.

i finally replaced my old, dirty, tattered, worn out sponge, with the tomato sauce stains and pieces of burnt steak and other detritus stuck to it.  i was pretty sure i was making things dirtier each time i used it to "clean" something.  i finally broke down and got a brand new bright yellow sponge with a kelly green scratchy scrubby pad.  the old one, which used to be yellow, had it's scrubby pad smoothed out over time, it was more of a "spread the dirt around" pad.

it didn't take an amazing sunset atop a mountain overlooking the sea with whales doing backflips and van halen rocking out on a floating barge and a mass of large breasted hot women dancing topless to make me happy.  it took a 79 cent imitation creature of the sea to bring me joy and pleasure.  it wasn't lasting joy and pleasure, but it did the trick, and even now as i think of it, it brings a smile to my face.

it doesn't take much for happiness, and i'm sure the happiness comes from inside, the fact that i can get joy from something as simple as a sponge.  external things cannot make you happy, including my cheap yellow sponge really, but if you let it, i guess, you can get happiness from ordinary objects, and so i wonder....why do you need an object?  why can't you just have the happiness?  i'm sure you could, if you wanted to, but perhaps it's easier to manifest happiness through and avatar?

either way, it cheered me up and made me feel good.

now i'm gonna drink a cup of hot tea, maybe wash some dirty dishes with my clean new sponge, and go to sleep.

tomorrow back to work.  and maybe a really good bike ride afterward.  

rock shows and bike rides

it's thursday, feels like saturday.  life is fucking GREAT.

saw Rehab last night, i kinda feel bad, it was not a packed house, and the venue is small.  very small crowd, and kinda lame crowd, which is no fun for the band.  i'm so thankful they came to play though, and they put on a great show.  part of the fun was watching the strange crowd, good god there are some characters living in this fucked up little town.  one guy, who we called "flannel shirt" had eyes of someone who has murdered and raped children, sunken, sullen, and wild.  we were sure while others went out for a smoke break, he went out for a murder break.  we pictured him saying things like "i killed a man in reno just to watch him die. then i killed another one, just to hone my craft!"   kid couldn't have been more than 25, and his strangely shaped girlfriend who we dubbed "floppy boobies" was dancing all over, and at one point he was sitting there and it looked like he commanded and yelled at her to go and dance on the fucking dance floor!  it was odd.   he was intense the whole night, although while we were on the floor, he bumped into my about three times, which i didn't mind at all, and he seemed very apologetic, sorry he bumped into me.  polite.  strange guy.  probably very nice.

Rehab is a pretty kick ass band.  this is the second time i've seen them live, i don't think i want to see them live again.  either that or i want to see them live with a crowd that gets them pumped up enough to give it their all.  i think they were bored, and i can understand that.  if the crowd doesn't give any energy to the band, they are vampires, and the band is flat. the band needs something to feed off of.  i can't blame the band, i blame the crowd on this one.  i think they still put on a solid good show, and i still think the are a great band.

then there were two brokeback cowboys and their "girlfriends."  the girls sat behind the guys rubbing their necks and shoulders, and the guys sat next to each other.  i assume they were giving each other handjobs, not quite sure.  i would be sitting next to my girlfriend, not some dude.   strange.

woke up tired today, but it was such a beautiful day.  got on the mountain bike and hit the trails.  i meant to only ride a short bit, maybe an hour and half, and i ended up riding about three hours, it felt GREAT.  saw some tourists who needed some guidance, so i rode with them and showed them some trails, and they were super fun and happy. turns out our trails are a bit difficult, and i'm actually a really strong good rider.  they had minor problems on things i didn't even think about.   but we all had fun and that is all that matters in cycling.  the weather was great, my legs were strong, i flowed like a river, it was just all around joyful and glorious.

so the last few days i'd been in a bit of a funk, then today i went and rode my bike and suddenly life is the greatest ever.  hmm....perhaps i just need to keep riding my bike.

bicycles make great things happen.  i love my bicycle.  and my girlfriend, who got her hair cut super short today, and later tonight i'm gonna go see it.  yay.

now i should probably take a shower.  and eat something.

old people smell bad

holy crap what kick ass day, you would never believe it.

i had just finished my mayonaise flavored slimfast shake and two diet cigarettes (yes, i am on a health kick) when i got a knock on the door. it was the guy from down the street. i could tell he had just finished working out cause his eyelids, which are more muscular than your average joe's, had a light sheen of sweat and were still ripped and pumped. he needed help.

see, i am like the encyclopedia brown of my neighborhood, people come to me to help them with thier problems like i'm scooby fucking doo, but i can't say no to them, i'm just not that kind of guy.

so this guy needed my help. now, usually when a guy comes to me for help, it's either to help them defend themself against an angry mob armed with pitchforks and torches, or they are being scared off thier land by what appears to be some kind of ghost, or other odd jobs that only i, with my varied and rare talents, am able to handle. one time, this dude asked me if i would be a "present" for his adopted asian twins on thier 21's birthday, which sounded like a sweet gig. turns out they were brothers, so that wasn't really a high moment for me, but a job's a job, heh?

well, this guy needed me to recover some "personal property" of his, and i do honor my clients privacy, so i won't go into details, but let me say this...knowing i am an expert in colonial furniture *AND* a master of the pan flute, it's no surprise he came to me. he dropped the 35 cents in my jar (my going rate) and i was on the case.

no sooner had i stepped outside my secretly fortified clubhouse/home/rented out garage and turned the corner when*WACK* i was run over by what felt like dumptruck on cocaine. after a few dazed seconds that anyone at burning man would have been fond of, i heard a voice...a voice of an angel. "how's your head?" it inquired of me. i looked up and saw a beautiful brunette lass, about my height, with shoulder length hair and cerulean eyes and a cute accent. "well," i said in my coolest voice, " i haven't had any complaints yet...are you free for lunch?"

as she helped me to me feet, she introduced herself as Monica Crumbcake, and it was her kangaroo that ran me over. she was from australia, and said things like "g'day" , "no worries" and "crikey" and kept offering me "vegemite" and asking if i heard the latest midnight oil cd, cause those are sterotypical things an australian might say in a movie by someone who doesn't know crap about australians, and that is how i am going to write this story so don't get all upset with me cause you don't really talk like that (i'm talking to you, australians).

monica explained that it was important we get the kangaroo back because this roo was actually hundreds of years old and is very special. this roo has a microchip implanted in it's tail, and on that chip is a map to a hidden temple where they keep "the book of all knowledge" which is a huge book of the true history of this world and has all the answers to all the secrets of the universe, including what the hell is *really* in an orange julius and where the white goes when the snow melts. the reason that kangaroo has it is every few hundreds of years, the microchip (yes, the microchip is thousands of years old, i mean, it was made by the creator(s) of the universe, if they can make a universe, they can make a damn microchip. duh!) it is transferred to a special animal, always different, who keeps it for a few hundred years, along with one human who has to guard the animal. it exists hidden until mankind can get thier shit together and prove that they can handle the truth about everything.

so we track down the kangaroo and monica was so happy and impressed with me, she invited me up to her apartment and we had crazy sex, right there in front of the kangaroo, which was cool cause i've never done it with a hot looking 300 year old chick from australia while her kangaroo watched.

but anyway, after all that crap happened, i finally got the complete star wars set on dvd, so it turned out to be an awesome day. KICK ASS!

i'm not smoking crack tonight. well, just one hit....

it's 2009 hours, monday night, the internet is little more than crack...a total time waster, fucks with your mind, makes you insane and accomplishes nothing.  tonight i'm not even turning on my computer or surfing the net, except of course just to write in this blog, and maybe just do a quick cursory check of some sites, perhaps play a quick game or two of online chess....yeah, no internet, just this....yeah...

i have a strange rash on my left armpit.  i don't' know what it is, have no idea how i could have gotten it. i hope it's serious, it's probably not.  how the hell would i get athletes foot in my armpit?  i haven't been using soap or shampoo for the last week and a half, not sure if that has something to do with it....

my hair is fine, my skin isn't bad, and i don't smell....but still...

the hornets who were living in the light fixture outside my front door seem to have moved.  i'm glad i didn't kill them.

didn't go to the gym this morning, so after work i made sure i went to the gym.  not only did i work out, my friend who is sexy and cool was there, a total surprise because she doesn't work out in the evenings and neither do i, but for some reason we both were working out at the same time.  she is sexy and cool, and she likes me and we could be a thing, however, i am madly and deeply and totally in love with my girlfriend, who is sexy and cool and awesome and funny and fun and loves me so i'm not really missing out on anything.  it's nice to know an attractive woman who isn't your girlfriend likes you though, so i got that going for me.

the money situation this month sucks monkey balls.  got my check with a bonus, which would have been awesome, except i had to pay taxes which was about $50 more than the whole check, plus there have already been car expenses and other extra shit i wasn't really prepared to pay, oh and i still have more bills to pay tomorrow, so this month wasn't awesome for me on the financial side of it all.

so, other than a mystery rash and spending waaaay too much money and it's not even the end of the month and being short fat hairy and weak and stupid, life is pretty great.

i am seriously, after hitting publish on this piece of crap, shutting off the computer and reading and maybe studying chess.  i've been slowly getting back into studying chess, going through games, trying to understand the reasons behind the moves, seeing the beauty of the games.

i need to exercise my mind, perhaps a night without internet will help me sleep better and think better and be more creative.

ok, onward to mayhem.

sunday sick of it all

it's sunday evening, had a pretty good day, a great time playing bike polo, overall, things aren't too bad.

that said...i'm about sick of the human race, i feel like an alien on my own planet, humans mostly are stupid and suck.  these little people with little lives, rats in a cage hurrying to get nowhere, unhappy maladjusted morons who just want to take out frustrations on others because they don't know how to cope and think that is just what you do.

i'm sorry you are poor, i'm sorry you are stupid, i'm sorry your life isn't what you think it should be.  actually, i'm not, and even if i were, it wouldn't make you any nicer or feel better.  you are pathetic and think your life should be "better" when the reason  you are unhappy is you. not anyone else but you.

you are the reason your life sucks, you are the reason you are unhappy.

fuck you, i hope you die soon and put yourself out of your misery.

we seriously need a cleansing in the whole gene pool, we need a thinning of the herd.   people need to know what a truly difficult life is.  i think one of the largest problems is most humans don't have anything real to worry about, there aren't predators, there isn't a lack of food (they might be poor and starving, but there is plenty of food around and they see it, it's not like a whole group of people wandering wastelands searching for sustenance).  there isn't a survival situation going on, they don't have life or death to worry about, so they think the minor inconvenience or the fact that they don't have all the luxuries others have is a big deal and worthy of being a douchebag.

people need to know what it's like to really truly have to survive, and then they would be happy with what they have, they would be thankful and nicer to others.

the human race has devolved and needs to start over again.

yeah, that is pleasant.  now it's time for sleep.

quiche recipe for teens

the following is an excerpt from "you don't need your parents, they are annoying idiots: a cookbook for teens" ....

prehat the oven to 350 degrees. it sucks that you have to do this now because it takes so damn long to heat up. god, you could be doing something way better right now....anyway....

chop up and fry some onions in butter or olive oil until they are soft and see through (like that jerks who lie to you all the time), then put them aside, ignore them, the way your parents ignore your needs. they don't listen or understand anyway.

beat four eggs like you would beat your damn teacher who always gets on your case and plays favorites with the "popular" kids. add one cup of milk, or half and half, either way it doesn't matter. nothing matters. mix into the eggs with hate and rage and salt and pepper, and other herbs if you want to like dill (haha, dill weed! or basil...fuck, put what you want in there).

get some cheese, chedder or mozzerrella. shred it like your boyfriend/girlfriend shredded your heart by dumping you and being a total prick/bitch. remember the onions? (at least you didnt forget them like your parents forgot your birthday that one time. GOD!) check to make sure they are cold like the heartless fuck who dumped you (you don't want them cooking the egg and fucking everything up like all the idiots in your life you fuck up everything). add the onions and the cheese to the egg/milk and stir it around, mix it up like a mosh pit, yeah!

pour the mixture into a ready made pie crust that you buy in the frozen food section because you are a slave to the corporate overlords who don't give a fuck about the little man and would sell their grandmother for a science experiment to make a quick buck. fuck them! but get the pie crust first.

if you want to add things like mushrooms, bean sprouts, spinach, other cheeses, go ahead, do whatever the fuck you feel like...you know what you like and don't have to listen to anyone tell you how to make your quiche...whatever....

bake the whole damn thing for one hour while you chat on the internet with your friends or download some music or put songs on your ipod. do what you feel like, the world is unfair anyway....

it's ready.  eat it, or don't.  whatever.

post 100: my epic adventure

it's 1750 hours, friday evening, listening to the "hunky dory" album by David Bowie, we returned from mountain climbing, this is my 100th post, i'm not quite drunk, i will be by the end of this though, probably.

so...K says "hey, let's go camping."  i see her suggestion and raise her with "hey, lets climb a 14er." i decide on an "easy" one, we just have to walk up it.  no gear, no ropes, everyone does it.  she agrees and it's on.

it begins with quickly and badly packing, and a half assed plan, hastily and sloppily writing directions, and we go.  "where will we camp?" she asked.  "eh, we'll find something" i assured her.  we drive on down to Ouray,   i have a vague place in mind, we end up at a KOA.  what the fuck???   it costs $32.50 to put up a tent.  you gotta be fucking kidding me.  oh well, ok, we do have nice facilities, so we set up camp.  i have "camping food," ramen and cereal bars, but we say "lets get hot dogs and wine!" so we go to town.  get a tasty bottle of red and ask where we can buy groceries.  turns out, the one and only grocery store in Ouray closes at 6 pm, but there is a liquor/convenience store just up the street.

we go in, no hot dogs.  they have lunch meat and bacon, no hot dogs.  call the KOA store and see if they have hot dogs, alas, no, only lunch meat and bacon.  WHAT THE FUCK???  we are at the epicenter of the great hot dog drought of 2012.  it's like a bad joke, no hotdogs, only lunch meat and bacon .

we drive to Ridgeway, the next town over, stop in a convenience store, lunch meat and bacon, no hot dogs.   go to the family dollar, same story.   this is now a mission.   Norwegians will compose great epic saga poems about our quest to find hot dogs and years from now, these saga poems will be passed on orally and through song.

we finally find a grocery store and get hot dogs and a can of chili.

back at camp we make and eat chili dogs and wash them down with wine.  we are ready to tackle a 14,000 foot mountain.

next day we wake up, drive to where our mountain climbing base is, and embark.  but first, we each make a stop in the most vile outhouse ever.  this is seriously a portal to hell itself.  sitting there my eyes were watering and burning, and i almost vomited twice.  i had to fight to not vomit.  it was absolutely horrible.

we start walking, and come to a little lake, which i vaguely remember.  looks like the trail goes to the left, so we climb, and it's rocky and arduous and there is barely a trace of trail.  i explain it's like this all the way to the top, from what i remember quickly reading the directions of the climb.  we climb for about 15 minutes and stop to rest, look around, and see what looks like a trail on the mountain across from us.  yup, we are on the wrong mountain.

we climb down, walk all the way over the other mountain, and start to climb.  it gets rocky and arduous but there are people coming down the mountain and going up, so yeah, we are on the right mountain.  we make it most of the way up, scrabbling, clutching to the side of the mountain.  without trekking poles, we can't really get up the scree, we go up the boulders and boulder our way up, but we are tired, and it turns out, we don't much like heights, and it gets super steep.  there will be crying and cursing soon, especially if i suggest we push on further.  tired and slightly hypoxic, we both decide it's best to just say fuck it and go back down to our car and finish the bottle of wine.

we do that.  at the car, we are sunburnt,  tired, but happy and laughing.  we both had a kick ass time every moment of the trip.  it was awesome and we laughed and joked and got some kick ass pictures.  it was beautiful, the weather was spectacular, the views were spectacular, we will probably try it again next year, with trekking poles.

it's nice to be home.  my legs are tired, i have to work tomorrow, i had a great few days off.  life is good.

now i shall proceed to get drunk.  tomorrow i again begin the "weight loss get healthy and fit" routine.

woden's day morning

old jewish men make the worst ninjas.  it's dark and quiet and all you hear is "oohmph, ugh, oy, grnnh."  seriously, they suck at it.  

it's 1110 in the afternoon, wednesday, didn't write last night, don't care.

had a decent day at work, came home to tasty pork tenderloin with awesome tomatillo salsa and fresh baked brioche.  it wasn't a real true brioche, which requires about 2 pounds of butter, it was a bit more cakey, not as flaky, but still pretty damn delicious.

today we are supposed to go camping and walk up a 14er.  Zero amount has been planned and prepared, so it should be a mighty fun adventure.  we are gonna do some errands, quickly land half assedly pack, drive and start.  i figure tonight we drive and make camp, tomorrow we wake up and try to walk up a mountain, and then, we play it by ear.  yeah, this should go pretty well.

i have the next three days off, so that is pretty sweet.  this is gonna be a busy month, and a somewhat expensive month.  i just want to save money to make house improvements, but it seems each month any money i could save has to go to car repairs, taxes, or some other unforeseen expense.   i am seriously thinking of getting a temporary second job just to make the extra cash to do what i want with the house.  i wanna turn this chicken coop into a real no shit nice comfy home.

ok, time to get out there and make things happen.  it's gonna be a fun filled exciting three days.

onward to mayhem!

tired but better

monday night, 2103 hours pm in the evening, today wasn't too bad at all.

it was busy. a bunch of folks from new york came, they were very very nice and cool, and also very very high maintenance.  after them it was non-stop all day.  we did get a free pear pie today, which i ate a bunch of.  no wonder i'm so fat.

didn't go to the gym today, i suck.  i was sooo tired, just worn the fuck out.  i may or may not go tomorrow. then wednesday we are going to go camping, and walk up a 14er.  i'm sort of looking forward to that, we should have a pretty good time.

not really much to say, not too much going on in my mind, my mind is sort of quiet.  haven't had too much stimulus to come up with anything.

another short bit of writing, but at least this time i'm in a much much much better mood.

i am still not using soap or shampoo in the shower, just water.  so i have that experiment going.  so far i'm not too disgusting.  i shall do this until the last day of the month to see how it plays out.

now i snooze.

illiterate douchebags and the evil eye

it's sunday night, i'm tired, i'm bruised, i'm pretty sick of people on the internet.

i'm so angry and bothered by idiots right now, i don't even feel like writing.  i'm just gonna get drunk and sulk and pass out.

i'm seriously fed up with morons.  and there are more fucktards than not.  i don't want to live on this planet anymore.

i want the words"Leviticus 19:28" tattooed on my arm

it's saturday, 2130 hours, had a pretty sweet day.

yesterday we went for an after work ride, weather was spectacular, i love love love my bike.  i climbed up some stuff i hadn't cleaned before, must have been all that road riding that made my legs strong, and coming down the mountain i felt flowy and smooth, like a river, and fast, and i felt like i was in my own kick ass video.   it was a pretty sweet ass ride.

i also cooked a buch, made some tomato bisque with fresh tomatoes from some farmers garden that Drew gave me, also made chocolate chip bacon cookies, which pretty much kicked ass.  regular chocolate chip recipe that you find on the back of a pack of bittersweet chocolate chips, but instead of two sticks of butter, one stick of butter and one half cup of bacon grease.   of course we had to fry up a bunch of bacon to get the grease, so there was also a bunch of bacon, which goes great on buttered bread as well as just eating it.  mmmmm, bacon.  i don't care how trite or cliche it is, bacon is fucking awesome and tasty and one of the best things ever.  another great reason to get kicked out of the garden of eden.  there was no bacon tree, how could it have been paradise?

so, that was yesterday.....today i went to work, it was slow, there were a bunch of crazy weird people in, but also some decent and fun customers.  overall a pretty good day.  i ate waaaaay too much meat, honestly.  i need to go a day or two eating nothing but vegetables.  seriously.

came home from work and there was dinner waiting for me, that pretty much rocked.  i'm a lucky guy.

i have been dabbling in the realm of discount cheese.  i can't always tell if the cheese is supposed to taste like that, or if it's bad and that is why it's discounted.  either way, it's an adventure, and a glass of wine helps immensely.

as for my no drinking month....oh well.  last night i had a shot or two of vodka, and tonight i had a glass of red.  the thing is, i'm not taking in a huge bunch of alcohol calories, and i don't' think i'm putting too much strain on my system.   i know i should drink nothing but water to help lose weight and fix myself, but having one glass of wine is better than having one bottle of wine.  so i got that going for me.

my new crazy thing i'm doing is....for the rest of the month, i am not using any soap or shampoo in the shower.  only water.  i am only washing myself with water.  apparently our bodies will regulate themselves and soap and shampoo just fuck up the regulation, they are apparently completely unnecessary, and do more harm than good.  i've heard it from some people, and read it on some blogs.  well, the only way to verify is to try it myself, and i have nothing better to do with my time, so....

the cool thing is...if it really works, not only will i save a bunch of cash by not having to buy soap and shampoo, but also it's a cool conspiracy that i can actually get behind.  and i love a good conspiracy.  it will also be pretty neat if my skin feels better and my hair looks and feels better.  supposedly it is healthier to not use soap or shampoo, and i can see that.  even "all natural organic" soap and shampoo are extra chemicals that aren't natural to our body.   i will write more on this as i progress.

if i prove something, if i prove shampoo and soap are not unnecessary and are just a way to keep us needing more and more skin and hair products, if i prove it's a conspiracy by the chemical companies, is it still a conspiracy?  i'll have to check on that.

right now i think i shall retire to the boudoir and read a bit and then fall asleep.  i'm tired.  my legs are a bit sore as well, i think they need a rest.  tomorrow is bike polo, so that should be a good time.

now i snooze.

email to chaos and pain

hey fucko,

i don't know what kind of shit you are trying to pull over at Chaos and pain , but i have some problems with you.

first off, i want my money back.  i ordered one of your "hooligan" shirts, and it doesn't work.  the picture on your blog clearly implies that shirt will make me look jacked and buffed, but it doesn't.  i just look like a fat guy with small fat arms in a t-shirt.   also, i wore it to the gym, and it didn't do shit, it's broke or something.  it was supposed to make me stronger and help me lift huge weight.  WRONG! i nearly killed myself trying to bench almost 140 lbs.   either way, it doesn't work, it was false advertising, and i want my goddamn money back.

second, in one of your posts, you talk about eating five pounds of chicken wings for breakfast.  what the fuck kind of advice is that?  not only did all i get is a huge stomach ache, you motherfucker, you should be glad i don't sue your ass for punitive damages to cover the cost of repairs i had to do to my toilet, not to mention the mental and physical trauma of shitting five fucking pounds of chicken wings with hot sauce, you son of a bitch.  much like your broken fucked up "hooligan" shirt, eating those five pounds of chicken wings didn't do shit to help me lift and din't make me stronger.  again i almost killed myself trying to put up more weight than i'm used to, and i think you are just full of shit.

i think you are an asshole, and i swear i'm gonna stop reading your stupid blog.  please return my money, and fuck you, i'm keeping your broken shitty shirt.*


*in the unlikely event anyone actually reads this, this is a joke.

my girlfriend (who actually did buy the shirt, it's pretty fucking sweet and now i want one) and I were joking one day how the shirt didn't make her any stronger at the gym, and we joked about how i should write a bunch of letters complaining how the shirt didn't make me look like the pic on the blog and how i'm not getting any stronger and how i want my money back for the shirt that didn't work.  Jamie, the guy who writes the blog, would be confused and all "who is this guy? he didn't even buy a shirt?" and it would be sort of funny to keep sending him angry emails, apparently from some dumb out of shape fat guy who doesn't understand working out, about the things he writes.    also, i think it would be funny to start each email with "hey fucko."  it's not gonna happen, so i just wrote two of the letters and combined them here.  it would have been fun to do though, i think, as long as i entertained Jamie and didn't piss him off.

my butt is happy

it's 8:44 pm, thursday, i feel good.

didn't do shit today really, watched a bunch of Breaking Bad on Netflix, i figure since everyone else is doing it, i should too.  it's ok, not awesome, not bad.  i wish there was more meth cooking and selling, less relationship drama.

sort of makes me wish i was good at chemistry.  if i was, would i cook meth?  what are the ethics of it?

meth is a poison, it's bad.  if i am not forcing anyone to take it, but i am providing it to people who want it, is that wrong?  there is the argument of "they don't know what they are doing, they can't help themselves,"  however i think they can help themselves.  they can go to rehab, they can get help.  what if i never ever went out and sold it?  what if junkies knew i had it, and they had to come to me?  what if i only sold it to people who sought me out?  why am i wrong?  again, it's poison, it's hurting them, however, you could make the argument that mcdonalds is hurting people and is poison, same as cigarettes, or alcohol.

if someone wants to hurt themselves, or be destructive, who am i to stop them?  why am i punished?  why the fuck are they punished?  people who commit crimes against others should be punished, but if somehow, there is a drug addict who somehow works and can afford to buy his drugs without stealing or mugging, and goes home and gets fucked up, why is that illegal?  am i my brothers keeper?  no, i don't think i am.  if someone comes to me and asks for help, then perhaps i should help them, but if someone comes to me and asks me to help them hurt themselves, if that is their desire, why is it wrong for me to help them?

anyway....got a new saddle for the road bike.  it feels great now, my ass is happy.  it's good to have a happy ass.  went for a quick short ride, about 37 kms.  it was a bit windy, but overall beautiful.  i took pics, they came out ok, but as expected, nowhere near capturing the actual beauty of it all.  when i was done, my ass and crotch didn't hurt.  i love my new saddle.

sadly, other than that, nothing really happened today.  think i shall go to sleep.

another day without drinking alcohol or eating lots of crap (there was ice cream, but not tooooo much).

time to sleep.

i feel like a rapper. i was cooking and dropped a beet.

it's only 6:00 pm, i'm writing early today.  hooray for me.

didn't really do a damn thing today, went to the bookstore to see the girl, also saw a lot of fat people eating cupcakes and 4,000 lattes.  i got to overhear a woman, not that it was difficult, she was talking quite loud, about some guy being a nazi about rent and this and that.  i looked up, and my eyes caught a woman across from me who also looked up, and we looked at each other as if to say "wow, that is crazy and funny."   we shared a moment.  too bad she was like...60 years old.

cooked beets.  i can't help but feel there is a joke about dropping beets.  don't know how that would work, but i know it's there somewhere.  i should probably devote the rest of my life to nuance-ing  and tweaking and polishing that joke until i have the perfect most hilarious joke in the world about dropping a beet.  by then no one will get that saying and i will die a broken, poor, lonely insane man.  that is probably how i'm gonna die anyway, really, but at least i will also have a hilarious joke about beets!

also cooked chicken wings.  nothing funny about that.

i think i may be coming down with a cold, or getting sick, or whatever.  that isn't cool.  next week we are gonna walk up a 14er, i don't want to be sick for that.

didn't ride today (still might later, although i am tired and feel like i'm getting sick, so there is that).  tomorrow i go to the gym to get huge, and tomorrow night there is a ride happening that i want to go on, not sure if i should, not sure i will be able to hang with the others.  fuck i hope i'm not getting sick.

i need to do shit to be more creative.  i don't know what that shit is, but i need to do it.  i did break down and submit my crap to the online thing and they are gonna use it, so there is that.  they asked if i wanted to do it regularly, i laughed.  i may submit again, but i don't want them to get used to it.

i'm all discombobulated, and i like the word "cockelburr."  

i'm done here.

well, that didn't last long

tuesday, september 4th, 2141 hours, listening to tiger army, they are so kick ass.

today i drank a beer.  so much for no drinking month.

lets back up to the beginning.  woke up early to go to the gym, stayed in bed thinking "too tired, not gonna make it," then said to myself  "don't be a fucking pussy, get up and go work out" so i did.   went to the gym and pushed weight like a fucking fiend.  felt great, came home, got ready, and spent the day at work.  it was slow but we had a super fun day.

then, after work, i went for a ride.  it was fucking AWESOME!!!  the weather was absolutely perfect, the sunlight was perfect, the roads were perfect, it was one of the best rides ever.  i felt great the whole time, i really really needed it.  i had ridden roads i hadn't ridden before, it was just a fantastic ride.  i wanted to take pictures, the whole time i was thinking i need to bring a camera next time, but i know the pics won't do it justice, they won't capture one percent of the glory and beauty.  and pictures, at least the ones i take, won't capture the feel and essence and vibe of the ride.   no way you can smell the different smells, the cows, the grills cooking meat, the rain in the air, through a picture.  no way you can feel the 7.2 million gnats you ride through as they get in your teeth, on your face, and get caught in your arm hair.  
damn it was such a great ride.

so i pulled back into town, noticed george's car still at the shop, and i knew where he was.  poked my head in the pizza joint and there he was, so i pulled up a seat next to him, and that is when it all went wrong.

i was heady from a great ride, it all felt so natural, as if it was meant to be.  carey asked if i wanted food or a beer, i said no, she walked away, then, i called her over and ordered a beer, without thinking.  she poured it, put it in front of me, and then, only then, did i remember it was a detox month.  fuck!!!!  i told her i was trying to not drink for the month, but then i figured fuck it, i just rode a bike, i can afford some extra calories and such, so i drank it.

i only drank one beer, but i still feel like i cheated.  i'm gonna keep going the rest of the month and not drink, or at least try, but dammit it's just so difficult when it seems to be a central part of work and play and existence.  i sort of miss having a beer at work, having a beer with friends.  and the funny thing is, i don't' really even like beer.  i'm more of a wine guy, good god i love win, rich red wonderful tannin filled wine.  with cheese, with meat....mmmmm, wine.

whatever.  not too big of a deal i guess, i've only really disappointed myself , no one else cares or thinks it's a big deal.  i would like to lose five pounds and clean out my system this month, eating all that meat and crap isn't helping i know.

ok, time for bed.  i'm off tomorrow, gonna go for a good long ride, maybe......

movie review: premium rush

holy crap i'm tired.  been up since 5:30 this morning to go to the gym, only to find out the gym is closed for labor day.  fuck me.  i am hoping to go tomorrow morning and throw weights around like i planned on doing today.

went to work, it was slow but we had a pretty kick ass time.

then this evening i went and saw premium rush, starring seven time Grammy award winner and human Muppet Joe Gordon Levitt, and co-starring a fixed gear bike.

i ride a fixed gear bike, no brakes and all that.  i love it.  it's fun, and i think it makes me a better cyclist.  it definitely makes me stronger, no coasting, my legs have to constantly peddle, and so when i'm on my other bikes and my legs are tired, they are used to peddling and they keep on moving.   riding a fixed gear isn't for everyone, but it's a hell of a lot of fun and it's different, you are way more aware of what is going on and what your bike is doing.

so, the movie is about a bike messenger who has to deliver an important letter for a chinese chick.

speaking of chinese chicks.....i think asian women are really pretty, and i wonder if, in asia, guys hanging out drinking and talking boast to their friends "dude, my girlfriend is asian, she is soooo hot!  and she makes me asian food, it's so delicious and authentic!" i love asian food.  in china do they call it chinese food, or just food?

i love Chinese food, especially fried rice, which is super easy to make and awesome.  left over rice from the fridge works best.  you just chop up some onioins, garlic, and and ginger, maybe a carrot if you have one, and fry it in a wok or pan with super high heat and a good bit of vegetable oil.  then add rice and fry it up,  then add a tablespoon of sugar and two table spoons of shao shing wine (get it at any asian grocery, or use sherry) and cook for 30 seconds, then add oyster sauce and mix it all up and BAM, you are done.  add some soy sauce if you want, but not too much or it gets too salty.  of course you can add mushrooms or diced meat or fish or whatever, as well as peas or broccoli etc.  it's really free form and is fun.

if you think about it, it's amazing how much china has permeated american culture.  there is the obvious, such as kung fu and kung fu movies, Bruce Lee, chinese food, feng shui, it's hip to be buddhist, it's super hip to want to free tibet from china by listening to the Beastie Boys and going to concerts and buying t shirts and bumper stickers, people have chinese symbols tattooed on them, and there is a slew of dumb ass "Confucius says" jokes (confucius say "man who constipated does not give a crap!" ).  there is a lot more Chinese influence in the states i'm sure, all thanks to the chinese.

one thing i don't get is...where the hell do the chinese people come from?   if adam and eve were the first people, and everyone came from them...how did we get chinese people?  unless one of them were chinese....

thinking about it though, it's a good thing adam an eve fucked up and got kicked out of the garden of eden.  ok, it was supposed to be paradise, but they didn't have snowboarding, they didn't have chinese food, they didn't have soooo many awesome wonderful things we take for granted every day. doesn't really sound like paradise to me. if they were in paradise, all blissed out, they wouldn't need to come up with things to entertain themselves and distract them from crappy boring lives, no need to escape, so no booze, no music, no artistic expression.

think about it....all really really great art; poetry, music, painting, all come from pain and a need to express inner angst and turmoil.  they wouldn't have needed any of that in the garden of eden.  so, no stories, no jokes, no books, no movies.

oh, yeah, so, the movie.  it sucked.

i'm tired and going to sleep.  three days, no alcohol.  i'm killing it!

day 2

sunday sunday sunday!   it's 2130 hours, the house is silent, save the annoying crickets chirping up a fucking storm (so i guess the house isn't silent at all really.  pretty stupid to say it is EXCEPT for that it isn't)

anyway, had a great day.  busy day at work, followed by great night of bike polo.  had a good turnout, some people we've never seen before showed up to spectate, and stayed for the whole game.  it was one of the best games we've played.

afterwards, burgers and beer at the shop, with laughter and jokes and good times.  spinning spokes and telling jokes with good folks.  i had burgers, but only seltzer water.  i have gone two days with no alcohol to my lips (ok, so drew brought in a special IPA and i had a tiny sip just to taste it, it was seriously about one tablespoon full ,so no, that doesn't count.  i'm not trying to stay sober or detox or any of that crap, i just don't want to drink any soda or beers or wine or calories, trying to only drink water and black coffee this month)

had a great day and now i'm tired.  gotta get up early tomorrow and hit the gym and pump big irony.  seriously, i want to lift huge tomorrow.  or, at least, huge for me right now.

i need to not eat potato chips and oreos and other shit.  it's literally shit i'm eating, not food but shit.  i need to fix my diet.

not even 10 pm and i'm tired.  i'm an old man.  what the fuck is wrong with me.  ok, yeah, i didn't sleep that great last night, up a bunch, and i was up early and i did work all damn day and play bike polo afterward, but still....

told the penguin joke at the shop.  i love that joke.  it's surprising and funny and gets everyone.  perhaps i shall tell it more.

think i shall lay down and read until i fall asleep.   hope i sleep decently tonight.  hope i don't flake out on the gym tomorrow.

onward to mayhem!

one day down, 29 to go

saturday, september the first, it's 1948 hours pm in the evening, the wind outside is blowing like a big bad wolf outside a pig's house, i'm completely sober, my shoes are full of feet.

i pooped. it was the shit!

but i digress.....

had a great day at work, it was just a good vibe all day.  after work stopped by the pizza joint and saw friends and listened to music.  saw M and she came over to talk to me.  it was nice, a bit odd, i don't know, i honestly don't know what she is thinking or whatever.  i would like to know, i doubt she would tell me.  i can't help still having some kind of feelings for her, which is ridiculous on soooooo many levels. but still, i can't stop the body from feeling.

so today is the first day of no drinking month.  luckily it isn't no ice cream or candy or crap food month.  i need to cut that shit out as well, it's all poison, but one poison at a time.  it'd hard to not drink when everyone is "hey, can i get you a beer?" and your customers tip you in beer and everyone expects you to drink.  not impossible, not really that hard, but hard enough, at least at first blush.

i felt less tired today, i will go to sleep at a reasonable hour, hopefully sleep decently, have a good day tomorrow, and monday morning i walk into the gym ready to lift heavy things and be a fucking animal.  i'm already excited about it and thinking about it.

i was gonna ride tonight but holy fucking shit it was windy.  crazy stupid windy.  the ride will wait.

there is a new online thingy that they want me to write for, not sure i want to. yeah, i want to, not sure i can write on command though.  i write fine when no one is looking and no one expects me to write anything, but expectations and deadlines destroy me.  i was thinking of doing a book review, or a movie review.  it would be funny, the whole thing wouldn't be about the book or movie, just some random rant tying various things together and at the end say "oh, the book...it was good."  i've done it before, i like that.  i could do it again, i just have to sit down and do it, and when people want me to, i can't.  i freeze.   i have the stage fright, but it's more the "fuck you, i'm not gonna dance to your tune."  whatever it is, it doesn't help.

feels good to write, it feels like it's coming back, slowly, but coming back.  maybe by the end of the month i shall be back to me again?  doubt it.  we shall see.

now, off to surf porn, read, maybe watch netflix, and sleep.  not necessarily in that order.