holy crap what kick ass day, you would never believe it.
i had
just finished my mayonaise flavored slimfast shake and two diet
cigarettes (yes, i am on a health kick) when i got a knock on the door.
it was the guy from down the street. i could tell he had just finished
working out cause his eyelids, which are more muscular than your average
joe's, had a light sheen of sweat and were still ripped and pumped. he
needed help.
see, i am like the encyclopedia brown of my
neighborhood, people come to me to help them with thier problems like
i'm scooby fucking doo, but i can't say no to them, i'm just not that
kind of guy.
so this guy needed my help. now, usually when a guy
comes to me for help, it's either to help them defend themself against
an angry mob armed with pitchforks and torches, or they are being scared
off thier land by what appears to be some kind of ghost, or other odd
jobs that only i, with my varied and rare talents, am able to handle.
one time, this dude asked me if i would be a "present" for his adopted
asian twins on thier 21's birthday, which sounded like a sweet gig.
turns out they were brothers, so that wasn't really a high moment for
me, but a job's a job, heh?
well, this guy needed me to recover
some "personal property" of his, and i do honor my clients privacy, so i
won't go into details, but let me say this...knowing i am an expert in
colonial furniture *AND* a master of the pan flute, it's no surprise he
came to me. he dropped the 35 cents in my jar (my going rate) and i was
on the case.
no sooner had i stepped outside my secretly
fortified clubhouse/home/rented out garage and turned the corner
when*WACK* i was run over by what felt like dumptruck on cocaine. after a
few dazed seconds that anyone at burning man would have been fond of, i
heard a voice...a voice of an angel. "how's your head?" it inquired of
me. i looked up and saw a beautiful brunette lass, about my height, with
shoulder length hair and cerulean eyes and a cute accent. "well," i
said in my coolest voice, " i haven't had any complaints yet...are you
free for lunch?"
as she helped me to me feet, she introduced
herself as Monica Crumbcake, and it was her kangaroo that ran me over.
she was from australia, and said things like "g'day" , "no worries" and
"crikey" and kept offering me "vegemite" and asking if i heard the
latest midnight oil cd, cause those are sterotypical things an
australian might say in a movie by someone who doesn't know crap about
australians, and that is how i am going to write this story so don't get
all upset with me cause you don't really talk like that (i'm talking to
you, australians).
monica explained that it was important we get
the kangaroo back because this roo was actually hundreds of years old
and is very special. this roo has a microchip implanted in it's tail,
and on that chip is a map to a hidden temple where they keep "the book
of all knowledge" which is a huge book of the true history of this world
and has all the answers to all the secrets of the universe, including
what the hell is *really* in an orange julius and where the white goes
when the snow melts. the reason that kangaroo has it is every few
hundreds of years, the microchip (yes, the microchip is thousands of
years old, i mean, it was made by the creator(s) of the universe, if
they can make a universe, they can make a damn microchip. duh!) it is
transferred to a special animal, always different, who keeps it for a
few hundred years, along with one human who has to guard the animal. it
exists hidden until mankind can get thier shit together and prove that
they can handle the truth about everything.
so we track down the
kangaroo and monica was so happy and impressed with me, she invited me
up to her apartment and we had crazy sex, right there in front of the
kangaroo, which was cool cause i've never done it with a hot looking 300
year old chick from australia while her kangaroo watched.
but
anyway, after all that crap happened, i finally got the complete star
wars set on dvd, so it turned out to be an awesome day. KICK ASS!
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