email to chaos and pain

hey fucko,

i don't know what kind of shit you are trying to pull over at Chaos and pain , but i have some problems with you.

first off, i want my money back.  i ordered one of your "hooligan" shirts, and it doesn't work.  the picture on your blog clearly implies that shirt will make me look jacked and buffed, but it doesn't.  i just look like a fat guy with small fat arms in a t-shirt.   also, i wore it to the gym, and it didn't do shit, it's broke or something.  it was supposed to make me stronger and help me lift huge weight.  WRONG! i nearly killed myself trying to bench almost 140 lbs.   either way, it doesn't work, it was false advertising, and i want my goddamn money back.

second, in one of your posts, you talk about eating five pounds of chicken wings for breakfast.  what the fuck kind of advice is that?  not only did all i get is a huge stomach ache, you motherfucker, you should be glad i don't sue your ass for punitive damages to cover the cost of repairs i had to do to my toilet, not to mention the mental and physical trauma of shitting five fucking pounds of chicken wings with hot sauce, you son of a bitch.  much like your broken fucked up "hooligan" shirt, eating those five pounds of chicken wings didn't do shit to help me lift and din't make me stronger.  again i almost killed myself trying to put up more weight than i'm used to, and i think you are just full of shit.

i think you are an asshole, and i swear i'm gonna stop reading your stupid blog.  please return my money, and fuck you, i'm keeping your broken shitty shirt.*


*in the unlikely event anyone actually reads this, this is a joke.

my girlfriend (who actually did buy the shirt, it's pretty fucking sweet and now i want one) and I were joking one day how the shirt didn't make her any stronger at the gym, and we joked about how i should write a bunch of letters complaining how the shirt didn't make me look like the pic on the blog and how i'm not getting any stronger and how i want my money back for the shirt that didn't work.  Jamie, the guy who writes the blog, would be confused and all "who is this guy? he didn't even buy a shirt?" and it would be sort of funny to keep sending him angry emails, apparently from some dumb out of shape fat guy who doesn't understand working out, about the things he writes.    also, i think it would be funny to start each email with "hey fucko."  it's not gonna happen, so i just wrote two of the letters and combined them here.  it would have been fun to do though, i think, as long as i entertained Jamie and didn't piss him off.